Thursday, November 5, 2009
Never to be Forgotten
I wonder what our family life would be like if Stephanie had lived? Would she have survived anyway . . . being in between Nathan and Joseph? That would have been interesting! Maybe she would have been our true redhead. She probably would have had to be to survive in the middle of those two. How many more grandchildren would I have? If she had stayed, would I have been able to give her as much as she has given me by not staying?
I know she, too, had a choice regarding her role in this space we call life. I know she only needed a body and that she returned to a loving Heavenly Father perfect. Sometimes, though, a mother still needs that warmth cradling in her arms and when it's not there, it's easier to feel the lack than remember the wholeness. When she was stillborn, in the 'olden days', they didn't even let me see her or hold her. I wasn't given the opportunity to say 'I love you' and 'Goodbye'; giving me closure. We were concerned with finding out if there was anything physically wrong with her that had caused this early birth, so they whisked her off to perform tests and an autopsy. All the medical profession's tests proved what we already knew: Stephanie was perfect.
What will it be like to be able to raise her in that other realm? Am I living my life so I really will have that opportunity and privilege? Sometimes. I'm not doing as well as I should. Or as I could. It's easy for me to lose sight of that awaiting responsibility. Joseph posed a question to me a few years ago: "Do you wish you could raise your kids over again, knowing what you know now?" Not sure. I don't know if I'd really be any better; different - but not necessarily better. Wonder if it will be easier or more challenging to raise a child when Satan is chained up?
Happy 31st Birthday, Steph. I'll celebrate more with you at another time. Don't give up on me. Love you.