Tuesday, January 25, 2011

So . . . Do Pigs Fly?

Just have to share my life's humor from the last few days.

Well, let's see . . . My knees started hurting Saturday morning and got progressively and horribly swollen and sore and immobile as the weekend wore on. {Pop Quiz: If 'cankles' are what it's called when you go straight from your calf to your foot, what's it called when you go straight from your thighs to your feet? Thinkles? That makes them sound way too small!} Anyway, I probably have bruises on my butt from dropping from a standing position to sitting on the toilet. I had to decide I wanted something an hour before the desire actually became a reality because it took me so long to get up and walk to wherever said desire could be satisfied. I might as well have not had anything from my knees down because my knees had literally plugged up the lines of downward communication so everything lower had taken that as a cue to go on vacation.

I must admit there were moments when I thought about the robot {Fender, I think} on Robots who keeps falling apart and having to search for replacement body parts to get up and running again. I actually thought it might not be so bad to be him! And, to add insult to injury, in the middle of all this, I decide I need to go bra shopping! So, we're in Walmart, my knees are killing me and I'm looking for a comfortable bra {yeah, that's a contradiction in terms}! Too late I read the proper procedure for taking correct measurements on one of the boxes. Yeah, well, that totally confused me. I mean how am I supposed to measure the 'fullest part' when they're sagging clear down to my knees? Actually, as swollen as my knees are, that would probably confuse me even more! So, anyway I tried on a couple and then just grabbed some off the clearance rack and came home and emailed Betty for an explanation of the measurement instructions. I'll have to get her permission to re-post her explanation or maybe she'll share them in a comment.

Finally on Monday, after hoisting myself into Alan's truck {the Jimmy's in the shop - probably where I should have been, too}, and taking a  r...e...a...l...l...y  long time to get up the stairs to my work on the 4th floor and getting up and down out of my chair way too many times to count, I broke down and got a doctor's appointment for later that afternoon. Fortunately for me, LOML was getting off early and consented to take me over. SIDE NOTE: LOML has actually been awesome to help. He took me out to dinner Saturday night {before the bra experience}; took me shopping; laughed at me a few times to keep my humor in check; waved the cars on that had stopped for us because he knew how long it was going to take me to cross the parking lot; helped me get dressed; brought the laundry basket to the washer so I could wash the clothes easier; gave me a blessing; let me drive his truck even knowing what the Jimmy looks like; put up with me thrashing around uncomfortably in bed - when I made it to bed - and even pulled the covers over my toes a time or two!

So they call my name and I make my way slowly back with the nurse stopping every so often to look back and make sure she hasn't lost me. The doctor comes in. He is amazed at my lack of mobility, asks a few questions and then says, "Hop up on the table." I look at him. My response: "Do pigs fly?" After a few minutes of trying to maneuver up the little step to even start the process of 'hopping' onto the table, I give up and accept his help. I hate that! So he looks at my knees that are ugly on a good day and says, "There should be knee caps in there somewhere!" "That's what I say everyday," I think to myself! He gets all his syringes and stuff set up and begins to drain the fluid. After he hits 90cc from one knee, he exclaims, "Impressive!" I graciously thank him. He says, "It's not a good thing to be impressive here." Oh. Kind of like the day I realized Grandma Ward referring to me as her little Shit Pot was not a good thing and I should quit doing things so she would call me that.

When all was said and done, he drained approximately 175cc of fluid from both knees combined {still can't see any kneecaps, however} and then filled them up with cortisone. Today I'm actually functioning quite well. The initial rising and falling of the body is still a little shaky but I at least feel like I am connected to my ankles. After he drained all that fluid, I couldn't contain my excitement any longer as I ecstatically verbalized my greatest hope, "Now, I should notice a highly significant weight reduction, right????????" He just snickered. Or snorted. Whatever he did, I took it as his way of saying, "Do pigs fly?"


  1. Heavens Sake Janis!! What can I do? I feel so helpless. Since I am a stay at home mom I would be happy to run errands for you. I would be happy to do anything for you and I mean that. I know you aren't supposed to ask what you can do... you just do, but... I honestly don't know what you would need the most. Im so upset you are in such pain! Love and prayers comin your way!!

  2. Oh, my, is that hereditary? It's not fun to hurt from the hips down. You might try a cane or a walker to get around better. (swallow your pride) I'm sorry you are having such problems. Hang in there.

  3. Well, first of all I draw the line at anyone helping me get dressed, even Glenn, especially Glenn. Maybe I'd let him put my shoes on.

    Second of all...WHAT THE H--- IS WRONG WITH YOU??? You must be related to Glenn somewhere way back because he refuses to see a doctor, ever.

    Third of all, just wait until I get out there. No, I don't mean I'll help you, just that we can both hobble around together...and I might consider letting you get me dressed if it ever comes to that.

    Fourth, putting aside all my pride and dignity, and revealing to all your dear readers how deranged my mind it, here is my suggestion for fitting a bra:'
    One is to hang upside down topless on a tree branch, in the front yard
    preferably so the neighbors can have something to talk about at the
    local cafe, then measure ABOVE where the boobs are hanging {toward
    the waist side} . That will give the band size, as you correctly stated, and
    will strengthen your stomach muscles as you try to strain your head up
    far enough to see what said measurement is.

    The second is to measure your waist, which will obviously include the bust
    measurement, subtract the size of your wrist, add the circumference of your
    right ankle, divide that by the size of your neck and that should do it. The
    bra won't fit worth a darn, as they never do, but you'll know what size bracelet,
    necklace, and anklet to buy.

    Okay, I'm outta here.

  4. Ashley - I would have sent you home to take care of your own little family! You know me that well! I very much appreciate the sentiment and your caring friendship.
    Sharon - Mom always said I had the "Ward" knees so it must be somewhat hereditary. Joe, Mandy & kids gave me walking sticks for Christmas so I'm covered when we go camping. Other than that, I function and {hopefully} will not be using additional help until . . . well . . . until pigs fly!
    Betty - thanks for sharing! It cracked me up more the second time and I thought I was going to die the first time! Just to set the record straight, shoes and socks were my biggest issue in getting dressed, and then only once or twice, so it wasn't too intensive. I'm excited to hobble around together at your cabin! Hey, isn't Kelly's Grove up Hobble Creek Canyon? That's funny! Maybe I'll even share one of my walking sticks. Maybe. Besides I got my 'shape-up' shoes in the mail a couple of days ago. They're awesome! While I have them on, I can literally feel the weight dropping off and the cellulose melting and my legs getting shaplier and firmer. Well, that's what I was promised!

  5. Hey, if the makers of Skecher promised all you listed, I have no doubt that's exactly what the shoes will do...when pigs fly! I got the Mary Janes and I really like them. I now have shapely calves, no stomach, and I wear an A cup.

    I used a walking stick on the Adoption Walk and it was awesome. I'll be looking for one with a carved ivory handle...and it is Hobble Creek Canyon...what a hoot! I can't wait either.