Saturday, April 16, 2011

Openness vs Vulnerability

As I have mentioned multiple times before, I have come to believe very heavily and honestly in the Law of Attraction. Positive affirmations have hauled me out of more than one hole. The fact the Law of Attraction hinges so heavily on Gratitude has also been an eye opener. I've welcomed the challenge of finding ways of rewording my thoughts so I can express gratitude in the present moment instead of focusing on the lack I might be feeling. The bigger {and more frustrating} challenge has been when I'm faced with situations where I can't figure out how to reword my feelings. That's when I just kneel by my favorite chair and cry. What will I ever do when my chair collapses under the load?

"Today I choose to open my arms wide to receive all the good the Universe has to offer!"

That's a new affirmation I learned while listening to one of my audio books a few weeks ago. At first I clung to it and loved the feeling of freedom it gave me. I imagined myself camping in one of my favorite spots and waking up to that fresh mountain air and stretching my arms wide and breathing in deep and feeling exhilarated. For some crazy reason, though, I got an image of myself stretching and breathing and getting all exhilarated but, unbeknownst to me, I was in the cross hairs of the scope on someones gun.

Opening my arms to gratefully and willingly and eagerly accept all the good the Universe has to offer also makes me very vulnerable. And it bothers me to be vulnerable. No. Let me rephrase that: I HATE  to be vulnerable! Like the feeling you get waiting for the snowball to hit you in the back or getting blindsided by some vehicle at a four-way stop. Every time I say that affirmation now, I have the image of me stretching and all that but then I immediately see myself pull my arms protectively close to me. I'll tell you, when I go down, CSI will find defensive wounds on my arms and DNA under my fingernails!

So, yeah, I've been hung-up a bit on my unwillingness to purposely allow myself to be vulnerable. Knock the air out of me and watch how quickly I mix the mortar and add another cinder block to my Wall of Defense {not to be confused with my Wall of Calm which is several layers thick of comics by my desk at work}. Each cinder block is labeled, too, with things like, "Be Smarter Next Time", "Avoid Feeling Comfortable", "Don't Trust", "Don't Share", "Don't Look in Mirrors", "Sleep With One Both Eyes Open", etc., etc. Maybe this is all part of my Funk and not being able to let go of the doorknob. Then I remembered this quote I had copied down: 

Until you are willing to be vulnerable, you will not be able to trust yourself. You will not know how far you can go or how much you can do. You will not know what makes you tick or what will make you crack. Until you are willing to let down your guard and lay down your defenses you will not know how far you can push yourself or how you will handle what happens when you get there. Unless you are willing to be vulnerable, to let people know that you don't know how, but that you are headed there anyway, you will not be equipped to deal with the reactions of those you will meet when you get there. Unless you are willing to be vulnerable, to make a mistake, to fall down and stumble when you are trying to get up, you will not know how durable or dependable you are. You will not know the beauty of your authentic self.

So maybe Openness and Vulnerability don't have to be opposing forces. Maybe one doesn't 'conflict' with the other but perhaps one 'accents' the other.

Out of the blue tonight another, more familiar image came into my mind as I was reminded of another pair of outstretched arms demonstrating ultimate love for me. Kind of puts my fear of being vulnerable to shame.

"Today I choose to open my arms wide to receive all the good the Universe has to offer!"

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