Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Just Asking

Dear Noah,

Not to be rude, but seriously, what were you thinking when you loaded the ark? I can understand the cows and horses and deer and lions and, of course, the fish, and all the other cute little critters. The lady bugs with their spotted backs and the praying mantis is totally understandable. I'll even concede to the need for Mormon crickets as they played an important part in history. You left the unicorn, though, and brought these horribly ugly, transmutated spiders! Why????

I understand the unicorn is a mite bigger and would have eaten more but they're at least lovable and that alone gives them purpose and belonging. These spiders, though. Uggghh! I am having nightmares about being engulfed and my body ravaged and violated over and over by these creatures! I would rather be having soothing dreams about unicorns playfully galloping around me!

These spiders, with their long, multi-jointed legs which theoretically enable them to span LEGOS and small marbles as they sprint across my floor, are just plain nasty and unnecessary! Even in the dark I can see them move at lightning speed because of the space between the floor and their bodies. And their bodies!!!!

Their bodies are big enough to house command centers for alien life forms. I can so totally visualize a little icky thing in the head pushing buttons and pulling levers as he looks through the windshield eyes.

These spiders have been blessed with way too many survival abilities. Speed, for one. And second, wow, have they got the "curl up and play dead routine" down pat! Swoop from a fly swatter or flipflop causes every joint in those legs to buckle and curl as it rolls over onto its command center.

Victory is mine! I am Woman! I am Conqueror of the evil eight-legged invader of personal space! I leave to get the HAZMAT equipment {huge string of paper towels} to clean up the mess and come back to find . . . the sneaky spider is trying to make a hasty, if not limpy, escape. That's when I scream and yell and bring out the heavy artillery - LOML's shoe! And then a final swirly in the toilet bowl. Done. Gone. And I do not feel one bit of remorse.

I report to my fearless leader, aka LOML, that I have annihilated yet another of these horrible creatures and he is amazed. He never sees them. Duh! I, the doting wife, keep him safe and protected! FL-LOML also reports to me there are several 'baby' spiders right outside the walls of my home, making preparations to penetrate this mighty, styrofoam fortress of mine.

AhHa! I've figured it out! It is a rite of passage that I am privy to! These transformer spiders leave the outside world as babies and by the time they have 'crossed over' into this parallel world, they have become adults! Well, ritual or not, I don't look upon this as anything spiritual! Maybe as they're curled up in their little fetal-like ball, they are really having a vision which gives them the courage and strength to straighten out those jointed legs and make a feeble attempt to return home with their amazing story. Modern science will never know for sure. I will not be contributing data to any study of that sort because the spider and his vision will be flushed into the netherworld!

So, Noah, with all the narrative you've probably forgotten my question. Let me repeat it.

Why the Spider and not the Unicorn?




Also, I was wondering about the earwig? If you want an image of the spawn of Satan, the earwig would definitely be my first choice! Without even moving or doing anything, it's just plain demonic and evil looking. It even has little horns like the devil himself. On both ends!!!

What were you thinking?

Sincerely, still,


Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Easy Chairs and Other Misnomers

Yeah, just sitting back in my Easy Chair, watching this life I call Movie; because it's constantly in motion. Scenes are changing. Characters forgetting lines, ad libbing or just flat out falling off the stage. And then the lights are dimmed, then totally black. The cue that the scene is over and it's intermission.

No aisle lights. No ushers with flashlights. Just blackness. And I stand up and walk around because that's what an intermission is for. Shutting my eyes against any shards of light that might distract my batwalk, I reach out, groping for anything that might impede my journey. Slipping here and there it's obvious I've stepped in someones spillage. Should've been more careful. There's a suction noise now adding to the otherwise silent mystique of my shadowy shape.

I am no longer in the theater but making my way down the halls and through the rooms in the mind of my home. It is empowering to be at ease in my darkness. I can explore and question and bump my head and stub my toe but I feel secure as it engulfs me. Claustrophobia should be erupting but it stays at bay as if it senses there's a boundary that shouldn't be crossed.

Whoops. Crash. Pictures fall from the wall, shattering as they hit the floor. Did I do that or was it destined to happen? Oh! Ow! That's going to be a bruise. Again. Same spot on the wall. Same bump on my head. You'd think I'd learn. You'd think I'd remember. But the inky darkness plays tricks, which is why I close my eyes. I feel safely peaceful here but will I ever feel the exhilaration of conquering my blackness?

I rouse. Realizing I never left my seat. Tell me again, why is this called an Easy Chair? Because there's nothing Easy about sitting in it . . . watching while others hit their head or stub their toe. I could tell them, you know, but then what good would it do?

It really is Easy-er in my chair, I guess.