Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Just Asking

Dear Noah,





Not to be rude, but seriously, what were you thinking when you loaded the ark? I can understand the cows and horses and deer and lions and, of course, the fish, and all the other cute little critters. The lady bugs with their spotted backs and the praying mantis is totally understandable. I'll even concede to the need for Mormon crickets as they played an important part in history. You left the unicorn, though, and brought these horribly ugly, transmutated spiders! Why????



I understand the unicorn is a mite bigger and would have eaten more but they're at least lovable and that alone gives them purpose and belonging. These spiders, though. Uggghh! I am having nightmares about being engulfed and my body ravaged and violated over and over by these creatures! I would rather be having soothing dreams about unicorns playfully galloping around me!




These spiders, with their long, multi-jointed legs which theoretically enable them to span LEGOS and small marbles as they sprint across my floor, are just plain nasty and unnecessary! Even in the dark I can see them move at lightning speed because of the space between the floor and their bodies. And their bodies!!!!





Their bodies are big enough to house command centers for alien life forms. I can so totally visualize a little icky thing in the head pushing buttons and pulling levers as he looks through the windshield eyes.





These spiders have been blessed with way too many survival abilities. Speed, for one. And second, wow, have they got the "curl up and play dead routine" down pat! Swoop from a fly swatter or flipflop causes every joint in those legs to buckle and curl as it rolls over onto its command center.





Victory is mine! I am Woman! I am Conqueror of the evil eight-legged invader of personal space! I leave to get the HAZMAT equipment {huge string of paper towels} to clean up the mess and come back to find . . . the sneaky spider is trying to make a hasty, if not limpy, escape. That's when I scream and yell and bring out the heavy artillery - LOML's shoe! And then a final swirly in the toilet bowl. Done. Gone. And I do not feel one bit of remorse.



I report to my fearless leader, aka LOML, that I have annihilated yet another of these horrible creatures and he is amazed. He never sees them. Duh! I, the doting wife, keep him safe and protected! FL-LOML also reports to me there are several 'baby' spiders right outside the walls of my home, making preparations to penetrate this mighty, styrofoam fortress of mine.



AhHa! I've figured it out! It is a rite of passage that I am privy to! These transformer spiders leave the outside world as babies and by the time they have 'crossed over' into this parallel world, they have become adults! Well, ritual or not, I don't look upon this as anything spiritual! Maybe as they're curled up in their little fetal-like ball, they are really having a vision which gives them the courage and strength to straighten out those jointed legs and make a feeble attempt to return home with their amazing story. Modern science will never know for sure. I will not be contributing data to any study of that sort because the spider and his vision will be flushed into the netherworld!



So, Noah, with all the narrative you've probably forgotten my question. Let me repeat it.




Why the Spider and not the Unicorn?





Sincerely,


J.





P.S.





Also, I was wondering about the earwig? If you want an image of the spawn of Satan, the earwig would definitely be my first choice! Without even moving or doing anything, it's just plain demonic and evil looking. It even has little horns like the devil himself. On both ends!!!



What were you thinking?



Sincerely, still,

J.

2 comments:

  1. Hilarious! Though I'm sure you don't think so...

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  2. YES! Although I will gladly take spiders over mosquito any day!!! Perhaps another letter to Noah is in order?

    ReplyDelete