Thursday, September 1, 2011

Information, Please

Nathan {I tried writing this once without the name but it was too confusing. Everyone knows which child it is anyway!} told me he wanted to go back to Heaven and pick another family. He was 2 1/2 then. More than 30 years later, I guess he's figured out he produced an impossible solution {there were days, however, . . . }. Instead {sour grapes?} he has come to the realization he was ill informed {or not given any information at all} when the time came to pick parents. Needless to say, I've been thinking about this a lot lately and there have been many circumstances and people cross my path which have . . . well . . . made me question my once strong belief in the choices we made before we were born.

When I try and picture Heaven, I picture joyful dancing and angelic singing and playing and excitement in the air like static electricity. It's light - the opposite of dark kind of light as well as the opposite of heavy kind of light. I can see to eternity and beyond because there's nothing cluttering my vision. Pinkie-swearing promises are abundant as everyone vows to help each other so that final reunion is well attended.

Then I see reality. I have a day at work {too many of them lately} that strikes me to the very core and I want to cry and scream and soothe and hurt somebody all at the same time. A friendly arm around my shoulder brings back a glimpse of my vision of Heaven.

I must have been sold on the whole "Free Agency" package with the misguided belief that it would allow us to only make good choices or else I missed the class on "Attached Consequences". Trust me to not grasp the whole picture - I tend to do that quite a bit. I'm not sure I would have really voted for it if I would have realized how misused Agency would be. Because what I see now is adults using their Agency poorly {to put it very mildly} and children footing the bill and ultimately faced with the Attached Consequences. I'm not trying to paint myself as totally naive here, either. My kids have paid for my poor choices, too. I know I'll never have definitive answers - especially in this lifetime - but I need to get a tighter grip on my beliefs so they're not so easily tossed around.

Then it happened.

I remembered Christ beckoning the little children to come to Him. He did not then, nor has He now, forgotten them. He gathered them around Him and He touched them and blessed them and wiped their tear-streaked faces while their parents stood around and watched. That will happen again. I know that. I'm sure it's happening on a daily basis to many. I have my visual now, my promise of redemption.

As for the adults, well, it probably would not be appropriate for me to give voice to my opinion of them. Most of the time I find it hard to remember that, just as precious gems are multi-faceted, so are human beings. And the only facets I see are the ones that are so easily and blatantly displayed for the world to see. I do believe in a loving Heavenly Father who sees all facets and loves and forgives in spite of, and because of, the flawed spots.I have a long way to go to be that loving!

As for Nathan, I think he was given the same book all of us were given. He just knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wanted me for his mom so he didn't read the book as carefully as he should have {or now wishes he would have}. That was a joke, by the way.

1 comment:

  1. I lost it at work today. Had to go hide in the bathroom so no one could see my tears. The world looks more and more hopeless every day. Thanks for reminding me that they are unconditionally loved by someone greater than all.

    I'm with Nathan...I think I needed my father to be my dad so badly, I didn't even bother to read the rest of what my life would be like...