Thursday, August 8, 2013

My Name is Janis and I'm a Closet Drinker

Yeah, that pretty much means I failed. At least I failed in July and so far the first week of August. Call it homeostasis. Blame it on that pleasure sensor in my brain.

But I was a success from April 15 to July 4! That's got to stand for something, right? If I was successful once, I can be again, right?

I was talking to my friend at work, expressing my frustrations with my lack of self control. Normally I wouldn't have said anything to anyone. The Pepper 10 bottles were discretely hidden in a grocery sack and I was stashing them at the very back of the fridge. But she caught me. Maybe it was the drool she saw pooling on my bottom lip as I reluctantly let go of them. Maybe you really can see through those white plastic grocery sacks and I'm not as smart as I thought I was {like using Stetson cologne to hide the cigarette smoke}.

I told her I felt like a failure. And it isn't like I fell... {Okay. Break here. Has anyone noticed before that 'fail' and 'fell' go together in more ways than just their sound? I just noticed that as I typed them and they really do kind of go together. Okay. Break's over.} the wagon at a spot that left me even with where I was on April 15th when I quit before. No. Landing on my robust bottom allowed me to bounce backwards several times before coming to rest in the dusty mistiness of self pity. I spent a month wallowing in that dust bowl.

My friend just nodded her head and agreed with me. And for a moment we bonded as we shared vices. I said that in some small way, I understood how people with more life-threatening addictions struggled so much to quit. Again she nodded and said it's good for 'normal' people to feel that because then it's easier to empathize.

I can make a "Pros and Cons" list and the pros to not drinking pop will definitely win. But that cold, biting first swallow as it rots its way down my throat wins out every time! Dammit!

Yeah so maybe it's homeostasis. Maybe the pleasure sensor in my brain is just overstimulated from years of overdosing. Maybe it's just my addictive personality taking charge of my choices. Whatever, I will succeed again. Until then, you'll find me in the closet imbibing my Pepper 10.

1 comment:

  1. Well, now you have aired your lack of self control. I think it is a family trait. Sue is the only one who has had self control. I decided a few years ago to quit eating sweets--desserts, candy--you name it. I had done it most of my life and it was time to quit. I did really good for a year--a whole year--and then Roger brought home that delightful, delectable, delicious box of See's chocolates. That was the end! Can't get back on the routine again. I guess age has its limits. I'm addicted to food of any kind. P.S. A member of our ward talked in Sacrament Meeting a couple of weeks ago on self-mastery. I hung my head but maybe I can try again. I have been trying for two weeks now. Maybe tomorrow. Love your blog. Let me know if you win the battle.