I don't know a better title.
A wanderer seems to fit. I sure don't seem to fit. A lot of times I wonder where I do fit as I don't feel comfortable anywhere, really. Such a conundrum.
I want to feel comfortable in my own darkness, but I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. Weird, huh?
When I was little I used to think I should have been a pioneer. I fantasized about how glamorous that life would have been. Being self-sufficient. The adventure of it all. The older I get, though, I realize I could never have been a pioneer. I can't walk up three stairs without stepping on my maxi skirt and tripping. How would I ever had crossed the plains?
Growing up in the 60's and 70's I coveted the real, true Hippies and their communes. Living together in perfect love. Being harmonious with life and nature and having no animosity at all. I know I would have taken to the bra-burning with a power and energy that could not be matched. The sandals and love beads and peasant dresses...I would have loved it. I think I would have thrived. I was too introverted for all that free love stuff, though. I would have been embarrassed, shunned by the commune for not being more forthcoming and open.
Gypsies have always been a passion of mine as well. Watching them on old westerns. Their big earrings and flowing skirts. No roots. House on wheels. Go when things got uncomfortable. Big earrings and a camp trailer are the closest I've come to that aspiration. I have acclimated well to both of them, though. The dancing, though...I never could have danced good enough to get a scrap of bread, let alone money. Scratch that idea.
I get kind of hokey ideas sometimes. I see the world as parables - tangible things representing intangible things which make my understanding easier. I like to try potions and remedies that are unorthodox sometimes. Oils and just plain old time. Positive affirmations.
I probably wouldn't have made it as a pilgrim or one of the earlier settlers in America, either. I'd have been burned at the stake or drowned in the pond as a witch. Am I in some time warp? Wandering around without a place to call my own?